Ring the Town Bells, the Westerners are Coming!

Hello, no time for salutations in this week’s post, I assume you’re here because you’ve been seeing what I’ve been seeing and you’re just as ashamed as I am. This western tradition, this their sickness, is seeping into our land and our culture, affecting our people and the way they think. As I speak to you now, believe you me that I am thumbing my rosary, beads of sweat flowing, crisscrossing down my face as I hold my bible tightly, why must we copy everything they do?

That feminism thing is what started it, those daughters of Chimamanda as they are now called. Can you imagine? Does it even make sense for a woman to be equal to a man? God made us different, it says it right here in the bible. Okay, okay, why didn’t God create Adam and Eve at the same time, you see? Their logic trips, screams and falls on its own sword. I’m looking at my daughter now, Chidinma and I’m keeping a close eye on her, seeing what she’s watching and what she’s reading because you never know, it starts from when they’re young like this. Feminism, I feel, is a stain and an insult to our tradition and way of life. For years our mothers and grandmothers went through a system that worked. Yes, yes, some may call it needless suffering, I’ve heard them say one word like that, Patriarchy and I just shake my head, why can’t you people just follow suit. I remember back in those days, you couldn’t have what we’re seeing now. Women, actual women, saying that they are not happy with the status quo, breaking off from tradition, demanding things that don’t even make sense, like equal wages (men work harder and deserve more because we are the head of the family), protesting forced marriages (marriage is a wonderful thing for a woman in Nigeria, how else will she lose her identity?), advocating human rights (Really…really?). Come on, reader, even you, ask yourself, does it add up?

I even blame these modern-day men too, years ago when my wife was acting somehow, showing signs of the Chimamanda gene, I quickly threw her out. Can you imagine, she wanted to work! As in, work like in an office. I told my friends about it and they laughed me until their throats were parched. “She’s trying to be challenge you as the head of the house, you can’t allow her oo, Michael, you can’t,” My friend Tunde warned as he took another sip of his Star, tears in his eyes from laughter. I nodded my head, he was right, they were all right. I talked to her about it and she brought up silly excuses like “Oh, if you don’t want me to work, go and find a job, we’ve been eating dust for two weeks now.” Reader, and she knows the kind of economy we’re in now, she knows how hard it is. But well, good riddance to nonsense. I kicked her out, like a real man should! I see her on the news now, something about securing a five hundred million Naira deal for her agricultural business but I see deep into her eyes, I feel the fear in her voice as it trembles, she misses me and she wants to come back but she knows she can’t. That door is closed.

She visits Chidinma sometimes bringing things for her, ignoring me, but I don’t care. Me, I’m happier now that she’s not around. Who knows maybe she is out there prostituting herself and besides, I like eating what she calls dust.

And let me not even start on the short short things the women of our country are now wearing. Can you imagine? Later, they’ll get assaulted and say it’s the man’s fault. They’ll say that they can wear what they like, are they men? Come on. It is a universal law that if a man sees a woman in a short something, his something will be excited and he must do something about it. It’s simple science, daughters of Chimamanda, science! Women are emotional and Men are Logical, end of. Talking about things like self-control and ‘No means no,’ as if I didn’t graduate from school too. Don’t they know how intellectually challenging primary six is? Don’t make me frustrated please.

And to the woman (Nemi124) that commented on my last post, Why We Should Kill All Gay People, saying that I’m a ‘very big uneducated fool,’ that ‘doesn’t know how to form independent thoughts,’ let me just say that it is you that is a fool. You see, my dear, I pity you, instead of you to focus on making food for your husband or making more children, you are here, on the internet web, doing things like thinking and critical reasoning. Come, are you normal at all? Let me tell you something, I, Michael born of a man and a woman, will not allow that western tradition to enter my community. Imagine that, allowing gays to live their lives, even getting married, think of all the people that would hurt. God forbid! Not in my country, the westerners will not win, I rebuke it.

I’m holding my bible again, I’m shaking, this is too much for even me.

Let’s look at it like this, there are us normal people and there are the gays, I hear that they even have one thing called a spectrum, one LGBTQ of a thing. My dear readers, is it not madness? They want ridiculous things like right to marriage and they ‘want to be left alone.’ Well, sorry Jackie, that will not happen in my Nigeria, maybe it can work in the overseas but not here. Here, if we catch you, we’ll put you in prison for fourteen years where you can stay there with people of the same gender and reflect deeply on what you’ve done. A gay man, having spent almost two and a half decades with other men will surely come out of his satanic practices and see the light of God.

And they say our laws don’t make sense.

Well, that is all for today, my people, that villainous wife of mine is calling me, two days after I called her asking for a loan. Can you imagine, two whole days, I wonder what the witch was doing, most likely she was with one of her sugar daddies again, but me, I’ll just answer the call, because that is the kind of Christian man I am, yes, that’s me.

With love and regards,

Michael Ewu.

Anthony Azekwoh is a Nigerian-based author and artist. He has written five books so far, and is now working on the sequel to his fourth book Ṣàngó, Oya.