“The greatest leader is not necessarily the one who does the greatest things. He is the one that gets the people to do the greatest things.”

― Ronald Reagan

My first order of business would be to ban short sleeve suits. “But what else can we wear?” The Nigerian pastors would ask, the disbelief etched on their faces. I’ll barely glance in their direction as I move on to more important matters. Things that really need my attention.

Lovers of The Flash, Arrow and other CW shows that aren’t The Vampire Diaries or the Originals will be jailed for twenty long years since they like torture so much, but if they do watch TVD or The Originals, their sentences could be reduced to ten years plus community service.

My title as the patriarch of the world would be something simple like Supreme Leader of the World Ha Ha And You’re Not.

Words like ‘stuffs,’ and ‘bae,’ will be taken out of the English vocabulary simply because they sound annoying. Names would also be monitored and this is where my country people’s feet will start shuffling. There will be no more Darlingtons, Magnificents, or Greats. Names with ‘God’ in them will also be banned. Godswills, Godisgoods, and others like that will be gone. If it’s in your native language, I suppose my administration could shrug its shoulders.

People who read the book before watching movie and then spend the whole time telling us how this and that wasn’t like in the books and how, ‘It just…I don’t know, it just felt more real in the books. The movie was nowhere close to the books, like, nowhere,’ will all be jailed for a minimum of 5 years along with people who talk in the cinema and choose then as the appropriate time to answer phone calls.

The aged, bloodied war between the cereal-firsters and the milk-firsters would finally be put to rest as I incarcerate the only true aberrations to nature: people who put pineapples, or any other fruit for that matter, on their pizzas. It’s also come to my intention that some people eat jollof rice with bananas or hard plantain.

Yeah. They’ll will be jailed too.

Some things are just wrong.

Vegetarians, vegans, fruitarians and others will also be given their own country just so they can stop interrupting while the rest of us eat real food.

There will be only one pronunciation of the word ‘plantain’ and that’s the one that rhymes with rain. Any other citizen of my world pronouncing it as anything else will have me to answer to.

When inevitably asked about homosexuals like it’s their business, straight people who answer with, “I mean I’m not homophobic or anything, but…I just don’t agree with their lifestyle,” or anything along those lines will get 10 years community service for wasting everyone’s time about their homophobia.

All religions will be dissolved, trashed and collectively burned and Anthonyism, the one true religion, will rise from their ashes. It’s only commandment: not giving a fuck about what anyone wants to do with their own bodies.

People who drink and enjoy Malt, Star and Gulder may think that they’ve dodged the bullet but would be surprised as they’re held and then thrown into rehab for 3 years.

Words like ‘effeminate’ and ‘metrosexual’ will also be banned, not because of anything much but because they’re stupid. People who stand up at a panel with, “…well, it’s not a question, really, it’s more of an observation, actually.” will be given the worldwide recognised medal of bravery that they deserve.

Country music would be abolished.

Rappers and musicians who have ‘lil’ in their name and weren’t established before the year 2016 will not be allowed to continue to make music.

As I sit on my platinum plated gold throne, the prisons overflowing with hardcore criminals, I’ll take a sip out of my caprisonne — the best drink in the world, and look out at the world, my world and smile, at a job well done.

Anthony Azekwoh is a Nigerian-based author and artist. He has written five books so far, and is now working on the sequel to his fourth book Ṣàngó, Oya.

Anthony Azekwoh is a Nigerian-based author and artist. He has written five books so far, and is now working on the sequel to his fourth book Ṣàngó, Oya.