How to Make a Man of God: A Helpful Guide

Hey there, you.

Yes, you.

Would you like to make a self proclaimed ‘Man of God’?

Well of course you do, if not, why would you be here?

Come now, let’s get to work. So first you need about 80kg of an average man. Nothing too special, we don’t want to give it away. Why not a woman, you say? Please, just listen to yourself.

So we get the man and imbue with him some self confidence. Oh, you put too much? Don’t worry, that’s the point, it’ll come in handy later. Now, we need some strong vocal chords (how will followers know he’s speaking from God?), some faithful people (where will we get the followers from?) and then some nice fancy riches to top it all off (how else will followers believe that he’s God-sent than a private jet or two? Riches have nothing to do with religion and faith? Hush now, this isn’t the place for reason).

Now that we have our man with oratory abilities and a nice source of riches, he can now start proclaiming himself as a man of God, and people will believe him! Funny, that.

Also, don’t forget your sprinkles of miracles here and there: nothing makes a good ‘Man of God’ more than fake legitimacy. Hey, nobody can prove it, right?

Your man of God is almost ready, just one more thing: you may have found that he’s going a little…well, crazy. He’s going about involving himself in education, building universities that abuse human rights, he’s abusing people in the church, raping them, assaulting them. You may have noticed that, well, he’s becoming an — to be blunt — asshole. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Don’t worry about it, it’s expected!

Just add a dash of some silly public statement blaming the adversary, or the enemies trying to drag your name and you’ll be fine. Your followers would already have been supporting you before then, that’s just the icing on the top. And there you have it, your own ‘Man of God’, we hope you like him! Now watch as he grows into an unrepentant all powerful human who can do nothing wrong in the eyes of the public.

But don’t forget to hit subscribe, folks, and tune in next week on our next segment: how to make the perfect loved Nigerian woman

Hint: it’s impossible, they’ll hate you anyway!

Thanks for watching, see you next week!

Anthony Azekwoh is a Nigerian-based author and artist. He has written five books so far, and is now working on the sequel to his fourth book Ṣàngó, Oya.

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